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I wonder if the day A and I almost got caught fucking in the public restroom was actually the same day that we then broke into a van belonging to a company he used to work for (for more sex of course). Seems as likely as not. I think it might have been, because the restroom was in a mall with a boba tea shop, and I definitely had boba tea when we were in the van.
I was in the sort of headspace where I pretty much just wanted do whatever my partner wanted to (which is great when they're not an absolute piece of shit, but I digress). I was kneeling on the floor of the van, ass out, ready, and A decided it would be fun to try to put the tapioca balls from the boba tea in my ass. Amused and confused more than anything, I did consent to this (not that he actually asked first, because of course he didn't). It was just odd, because they were very small, as tapioca pearls are. I couldn't feel it- I could just feel that he was doing something fucking weird. After that we had more normal sex while I watched out of the rear window to make sure no one noticed anything suspicious about the van.
I don't have a lot of hard limits. As long as all parties are consenting, I'll only outright object to maybe two things: I don't do poop stuff and I definitely don't do vomit (I have an irrational fear about it). I would add no permanent bodily harm but I can think of theoretical scenarios where maybe that wouldn't be a bad thing...
When I think about this I tear up. I don't know if I can ever trust anyone enough again to try the sort of things I want to do again. I couldn't trust my ex to stop when he'd slammed into my cervix and made me bleed. And that's not even getting into kinky stuff.
I'm happy I downloaded those adult mods for the Sims. I still feel embarrassed and silly about it. But as someone trying to constantly remind themselves of the things in the world worth doing, that they can still do, that they still WANT to do even though they didn't think they could even want to anymore...
I wasn't kidding when I told my friend I forgot about sex. I forget all the time about things I enjoy, be it reading, watching movies, listening to music, whatever. Obviously I know these things exist, but I don't think about them hardly at all when I've forgotten. They just don't occur to me. There's too much going on in my head. I don't even know what it is.
But watching virtual people bang actually has helped me realize that I actually DON'T want to just be celibate the rest of my life, and that I do still crave intimacy, even though it terrifies me. I don't want to be so vulnerable. I wish I was like my character in the game: powerful, in control of any situation, ridiculously charismatic, unable to feel embarrasment.
Do most people go out and just see people they're attracted to out walking around? I don't know why I can't do that. Even when I do go out (which is rare enough) the most I'll feel about people is maybe a passing thought that they look cool. I still have a really hard time feeling attracted to real people in real life. I like the idea of people, I'm attracted to famous people and people I've never met, but when I meet someone in real life it's like that part of my brain shuts down, going "Danger!!! Danger!!!"
And that's just in response to TALKING to someone. I'm afraid I won't be able to take down those walls for anyone. Maybe if I found someone truly compatible, the kind of person who just FEELS right? I've found friends like that.
The last thing I want to be is nostalgic for my past. Despite what the voices in my head say I'm still young, and fuck me if the best I get is abuse in my late teens. But I want to remember what happened, and I want to unravel how it fucked me up the way it did so I can maybe get unfucked (and start fucking again?).