Do you ever get a nosebleed and think "Fuck, what a waste"? I like blood. It looks pretty, has a nice texture, smells and tastes good. I never bring this up, I know most people don't agree.
When I was a young teenager, I wanted to be a vampire so bad I basically convinced myself I was one. Same thing with being a demon, but that's another story. So of course I would make a big deal about liking blood, right? One of my friends played along for a while, but I realized that I was the only one who was not actually pretending to have a thirst for blood.
Another thing I never tell anyone is that I tried self-harming, more as an experiment than anything. I HAVE struggled with mental illness for over a decade, but traditional self-harm never appealed to me as a coping mechanism despite being an ideal candidate to suffer from it. I knew friends who did, so out of curiousity I tried cutting my wrist, just a little.
At that point, around age 13, I rarely (if ever) thought anything about sex at all, let alone about me taking part in it. But looking back, the only feeling I kind of got from cutting was turned on. And the fucked up thing is it just made me want more. I wouldn't even admit it to myself, even if I'd realized it (I'm not sure I did).
I wish there weren't any potential consequences- cosmetic, social, health-wise, etc- from cutting, because I wish I could just bleed sometimes. It has nothing to do with self-harm (as I understand it)- it's not about hurting myself, or feeling something physical (though I guess somewhat that, but NOT in order to feel something other than my depression).
I hope someday I'll be in a relationship with someone who feels the same, because it's not something I would ever try to convince anyone to take part in- they would have to be fully into it, enthusiastically, because it's so serious.
Kind of like how I have a huge desire to be submissive sexually, but particularly because of that desire being taken advantage of in the past, I need to find a partner who I can truly trust before I would even think of doing it in reality. I guess that's also pretty serious, considering how the trauma has fucked with me.